Friday, June 27, 2008

It IS a WIFE'S DUTY you know!

SO last night we had quite a wind storm come through town. I was at work and all the kids were plastered to the windows watching the dirt, gravel and odd garbage item whip down the street.

SHORTLY after the wind died down, a friend, who use to be a cop in town, popped his head in the office door and said, "Oh good you're fine... just making sure you weren't STUCK in the bathroom again!" (I had told him the bathroom story... yes the one that I posted on here... and he would randomly stop by, in uniform, after that and check that I wasn't stuck in the bathroom! Now that just goes above and beyond his call of duty!!!)
So he was back in town for a golf tournament and just stopped by to say hi... or to see that I wasn't locked in the biffy! What a nice guy!

AND shortly after that, Clayton phoned...
Clayton: "Hi"
Me: "Hi! Hey guess what? Chad just stopped by... (And I perceeded to tell him what was said... most likey in great detail as I usually do.)
Clayton: "Oh good... so yeah we were out on the lake when that wind storm came up... Oh my god it was crazy... there were like 5 foot swells and we almost tipped the boat! But thankfully we made it to shore... and then we had to walk the boat back to the launch site. It was pretty crazy and I am drenched!"
Me: "Oh wow... well that's exciting!"

SO it was quite late when Clayton finally arrived home. (After trying to make it back from the lake to go on a fire call... he could see the flames from the building burning in Foremost and he was only 10km south of Bow Island... now I know it is FLAT here but that is a pretty damn BIG fire to see from 40km away!!!) So I was in bed already but not asleep.

Clayton comes into the room...
Clayton: "Are you sleeping?"
Me: "No."
Clayton: "Glad to see you're so concerned."
Me: "huh?"
Clayton: "Well... when Morgan phoned his parents, they were all like Oh thank god you made it off the lake, we were so worried about you guys. And when Ryan phoned home they were like, We are so glad you guys made it off the lake in one piece. And then I phone home and you're like Oh my god... Guess what? CHAD STOPPED BY!"
Me: "Oh... I guess that does seem pretty bad... oops." And then I laughed so hard I cried.
Clayton: "Just like when there's a house fire call in the middle of the night and other wifes are up worrying... And YOU just roll over and go back to sleep!"
Me: After some more uncontrollable laughing. "I'm SO sorry honey."

He does make a good point... I'm just not surely EXACTLY what it means about our relationship?
Worrying MUST be a WIFE's duty or something... :)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

What's that?

Yes we did go jet boating last weekend! And had a blast! Although thankfully there were a couple funny... er odd might be a better description... things that happened. Otherwise it just wouldn't have been worthwhile to write about on here... who wants to hear about pleasant, perfectly planned occurrences... right?

So we won this overnight package through a contest on the Internet! Yeah I know some of those things are actually real!!! And we invited Scott and Christine and were all pumped about a day out on the river... relaxing in a boat... beer (or whiskey) in hand! Of course, being that boys will be boys and like to do everything over the top... What? Stop drinking once I'm slurring my words and stumbling around? Why on earth would I ever do that... GO BIG OR GO HOME I say!... we had a cooler for the beer, a cooler for the ice, a 40 of rye, mix... needless to say we were set... set for a party!

We arrived at Sobeyes early and were doing some last minute snack grabbing when we spotted a group of elderly people standing in the spot where we were suppose to meet. A little in shock and still in denial we just stood and stared and then broke out into gut wrenching laughter.
BECAUSE IT WAS JUST THAT RIDICULOUS... here we were packed to the hilt with a variety of booze, you want beer... we got it! How about the hard stuff... here have a glass! Oh so you're feeling a little more like something sweet and fruity... well you've come to the right place my friend, we can hook you up! And there standing in the exact spot where we were suppose to meet was a group from the Golden Age Manor... AND I AM NOT EXAGGERATING HERE!
(And I would have been able to post a picture at this exact spot in my post... but Clayton was all like... "What? you want to take a picture of these people... you don't really know... and then post it on your blog... without their permission... and commence with the cute, old and funny looking comments about them? Really HOW CREEPY are you?!" And out of character I actually let what he said seep into my brain and I said to myself, out loud of course... "He is right you know Kimberly... this thing... this odd, creepy thing you are about to do... IT'S NOT WISE!!!" Hence no awesome picture to truly let you see the hilariousness of the situation.)
So I guess I'll just have to describe them...
There was a cute little couple in bucket hats with pants up to their chins, who could almost have passed as cartoon characters (who we found out later were 81 and 73). And then there was the little white haired lady who had taken the arm of the tour leader so she could hobble her way to the bathroom, saying every second sentence of the trip, "What's that? Speak up laddy... I forgot my hearing aid you know." (Who we found out later was 89!!!)
After the laughter died down, Clayton turned to me and whispered, "I thought you said we were allowed to bring alcohol?"

Then to add to the awkwardness of the situation we were handed large brown paper bags with our names on them and were instructed to follow the tour lady around the store and pick out our lunch.
"Now you can pick ONE sandwich from this section... a drink from this shelf... one piece of fruit... and EVEN a donut or muffin for dessert. Yes put it all into the BAG with YOUR name on it."
So there we were the handicapped looking group, following our leader around the store... both hands on our large paper bags with our names on them, shuffling our feet to stay in line and corners of our mouths twitching to try and keep from breaking out in laughter!
Oh what a sight we must have been!

The trip on the river was awesome... beautiful weather and we even got to jump in if we wanted. Then had a home cooked meal and spent the night in a 1903 ranch house. A hardy breakfast the next morning and then off to Empress to check out the local artisans.
And the best part... if you weren't paying attention, and caught the tail end of something that sounded interesting and you'd wished you'd been listening, you would no doubt have a chance to hear it again... thanks to the little 89 year old lady...
"What's that? Speak up... I forgot my hearing aid you know."

Monday, June 23, 2008

Lil' Rusty's picture debut!

Well Lil' Rusty has been the inspiration for a few stories on here and so I thought it was about time to give Lil' the validation he deserves. So I went out and took a few pictures... just to show you how rusty Lil' Rusty really has become...

The only problem was HE DIDN'T LOOK THAT RUSTY!!! And the duct tape was looking damn fine! Like can you even tell there is duct tape on there? Wow! Really... Lil' still has it. I might even go as far as saying... Lil' you're one sexy thang!

See not bad for an '88! I just might have to enter you in the parade this year...

So I thought I try a different angle... cause I was really wanting to show of the rust detail...

So yeah a little rust on the tailgate... but what happened to all the rust??? Oh right... it must have been that amazing duct tape body work job...

It almost like a Where's Waldo? page...
Can you even spot the duct tape?!!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

The little elevator that couldn't!

Last weekend... after the wondrous 6 hour car ride up to Edmonton... we FINALLY made it to the city. And we quickly came to the realization as to how hick some of us really were. (Yes I am talking about the youth here.)

"OH MY GOD look at those buildings... they are so tall!"
"And look over there, those two match... they're like the re-birth of the twin towers."
"How come all the houses are the same?"
"How come there are yellow cabs... we are NOT in New York?!"
"The Jean Warehouse? OH MY GOD they have a store JUST FOR JEANS!!!"

And then when we got to the hotel and found out we were on the 9th floor a couple gasps rumbled through our crew.
"The 9th floor? Does that mean I have to take an elevator? I don't trust elevators."
Well little laddie I guess you had better get hiking up those 9 flights of stairs then...
So he did and dragged a couple of the girls with him.
And he took the stairs every time... apparently he REALLY DIDN'T TRUST ELEVATORS!

After the opening ceremonies we were headed back to our hotel at about 10:30pm.
And once again the elevatoraphobic youth took the stairs and this time all the other youth went with him.
"Crazy that he's scared of elevators."
"Well at least he's getting them all some good exercise."
"Yeah hopefully they'll sleep well tonight."
"I can feel his fear though... I don't really like small spaces."
"Ah it's only for a short time."
Were some of the comments from us adult mentors as we boarded the elevator to get a lift to the 9th floor.
One of our co-workers was going to catch the next elevator because she didn't think there was room. But we all squeezed together and made room for her to cram in. Just some Southern Alberta charm shinning through!

The elevator gave a little lurch and started it's ascent. One lady got off on the 3rd floor and the doors closed and we were off again. The 4th floor came and went. Wait nope it was still reading 4th floor! And the doors aren't opening. And at this point we discovered that we really did have a claustrophobic elevator rider with us...
"What's going on? The doors aren't opening... why aren't the doors opening? Oh my god! Oh my god!" came these high pitched tones out of her throat as she was clawing at the doors with her beautifully manicured nails.
A couple people took on the task of trying to reassure her as others were pressing the alarm and trying to get through to the front desk on the elevator phone.

As all this was happening I was quietly envisioning myself opening the escape hatch in the ceiling of the elevator, athletically springing through it into the elevator shaft, pulling my gleaming toned body up the cable.. the only thing keeping us from plummeting to our deaths, reaching the top as the cable threads started to snap, sprinting down the many flights of stairs to the floor where the elevator was stuck... of course grabbing a handily placed crowbar on my way down and prying open the doors and helping everyone out and to safety just before the cable snapped completely and the elevator plummets to it's ultimate doom!
Headlines would read:
Small town WONDER WOMEN saves 7 people from plummeting to their deaths in recent elevator incident!

Sadly... or some might say NOT so sadly, all that happened was a lot of sweating in the elevator turned sauna. And of course the 45 minutes of waiting, squished like sardines in a tin can.
Near the end of the ordeal there was some knocking and then kids shouting, "Is that you guys? Are you in there? Are you actually stuck in the elevator? No way. See I told you... I DON'T TRUST THOSE THINGS!"
The elevator repairman finally arrived... walked to the 11th floor and pressed the reset button... which caused the elevator to gently descend to the lobby.
No thrilling climax!
No dangerous rescue!
No WONDER WOMEN saves the day!
But oh yeah we were all safe and sound and had a story to tell blah blah blah... some story!
Although we did get our rooms complimentary for the night... rooms we personally weren't paying for in the first place.
Oh well.
Next time I'll get on opening the escape hatch quicker... I'll just boost myself up by stepping on that claustrophobic women in the corner, frantically trying to dig her way out.
It's called TEAM WORK people!
It always takes a little team work for someone to get ahead!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Your Mommas so...

You know you're spending too much time with youth when you start to develop their sense of humour.

I had just come back from a three day conference in Edmonton to which we had brought along youth leaders. It was an interesting three days to say the least. Notably the van ride up and back held the greatest entertainment periods. On the drive up the four youth we had with us were pretty excited and the volume in the van was at times into the high decibels. So I tried to alleviate some of noise by distracting them with car games.
We played eye spy, that went something like this... I spy something that starts with the letter "C". The first person to guess it right... Clouds!... got to spy something. And it went quite well until they started doing this...
"I spy something that starts with the letter "W"."
"Is it wind? water? weather?"
"No! No! NO!"
"Well what is it then?"
"What? Where did you happen to spy a wizard???"
"In my imagination... duh!"
And then the noise decibels started to go up again...
"What that's not fair... Kimberleeeeeee tell him to stop doing that... errrrrr!"
Time for a new game.
So we played create a story, where each person can only say one word at a time. And they got so excited about their amazing story that they had to stop and start over so they could write it down.
And oh what a story it was... if you like a story that makes no sense... even individual sentences made no sense. But by god they were proud. They had to read it back to us three times.
With lines like:
Fred loved licking (hehehe erupted when the word licking was said) lollipops (was the next word picked after my evil glare) made of apples, bread and grass with Apple (yes Apple was apparently the name of a character)and Nancy Nathanaels who was gross, bananas creamed trees.
I could have listened to that story at least another twenty time!
And of course anything that could be twisted around to being perverted was...
"I am not sitting in the middle seat on the way back because this seat is too hard."
"Why would that bother you? You like hard things." Hahaha hehehe giggle giggle giggle!
And then the newest rave at the Youth Centre made it's appearance in the van.
The 'oh so hilarious' Your Momma jokes...
"Your Mommas so old she served at the Last Dinner."
"Well your Mommas so fat when she travels to Australia the whole Continent disappears."
And on the ride back they got creative and held improv skits...
"This is Mike McMan with VNN (Van Network News) here at the scene... yes at the scene people... this crazy wacko Kimberly H has not only kidnapped 3 youth hostages but the whole VNN crew and is speeding along the TCH in her get away van. Lets ask Bob the camera man what he is experiencing at this very moment. (Holding the comb aka microphone up to Bob's mouth, Mike says...) Bob give us a little insight."
"I'm just trying to support my wife and seven kids man. And then this wacko just snatches me up. Linda if you're watching tell Bobby Junior, Billy-bob, Betty-bob, Little bobsy, Bob-bob, Bobert and Bob the Second that I love 'em."
Finally Van Network News lost its appeal and they moved onto bigger and better things... or should I say louder things. Such as...
Van Idol!
Oh yes each youth took a turn singing which mainly consisted of each one trying to out shout the one before. And then the adult chaperons were elected to be the judges... make sure one of you plays Simon and be a real ass.
And that about wraps up the highlights of van ride to and from Edmonton!

So this long tale brings me back to my first point... you know you're spending to much time with youth when you start to develop their sense of humour...

Clayton was making hamburgers for dinner and was defrosting some store bought patties. When he decided to suck up to me and said... "You know what Kimberly, your homemade patties are probably better then these."
And I was all shocked because Clayton loves those thin cardboard tasting things, my mouth dropped open and I said, "What? Really? Well I knew you'd come around one day. That's so great now we can always have my homemade patties."
Which made him have to start back peddling, "Ah yeah... well sometimes I still want these... I still like them. It's probably because we always ate these as kids."
"Why? Your Mom didn't ever make homemade patties... crazy! She is always making such elaborate, yummy meals."
"Yeah but I'm sure it's because these store bought patties are SO EASY!"
And this is the comment that lead me to be ashamed of my 27 year old self.
"Well yeah we all know your MOM'S EASY!" I said. But come on... notice the nice combination of a Your Momma joke and perverted reference... that's gotta count for something!
I laughed... but then came to the realization that Clayton wasn't laughing with me. He was just giving me an oh my god you're an idiot look and out loud said, "What exactly is wrong with you? Was it lack of oxygen at birth?"
I bowed my head in shame. "It's just... I just... the kids... spending too much time with youth..." I stammered.
"Well maybe you should find employment else where... just a thought." Clayton said as he went outside to put the EASY patties on the BBQ.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Mother's Day VS Father's Day

Well Father's Day is coming up and once again I will be running the Hemp Necklace booth at the Children's Festival. Who better to ask than Kimberly... she IS from BC you know. She'll surely know how to make a necklace out of hemp... won't she?
So I get to spend the day watching the wondrous enjoyment of children running from booth to booth trying out every craft and activity they can possibly get their hands on. While their parents trail along behind cleaning up in their wake.
And this got me thinking...

On Mother's Day the general feeling is... Best Mom in the World... stay in bed, sleep in, you deserve it. We'll make you breakfast... just relax, sit down and put your feet up. How about a day at the spa? Can I give you a foot massage? Would you like me to bring you a glass of water? WE LOVE YOU! THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!

On Father's Day it seems the general feeling is... it is the one day of the year that your father will be obligated to spend the entire day with you... so lets make it count and go to a Children's Festival or Airshow... somewhere loud and busy with lots of candy and other children on sugar highs running around. Fun for the whole family! IT'S FATHER'S DAY AND HE WILL SPEND IT BEING A GOOD FATHER.

Just a thought!

Oh and sorry I am NOT fessing up as to WHY I was out late at night running on the TCH... something to do with hurt feelings... flighty temper... and ridiculous reactions. YES you are all important to me... BUT our relationship is still strictly need to know... and this you DO NOT need to know!!! Plus it's just too embarrassing! :)

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Officer is it illegal to run at night?

PROLOGUE: Due to some unforeseen circumstances and the ridiculous reactions, of myself, that occurred after them... the following story was given the chance to occur. I am a true believer that this is why I was put here on earth... to be totally and utterly ridiculous for other people's pleasure and enjoyment. (People other than Clayton, who has to suffer through the not-so-pleasant ridiculousness at the time of occurrence!) So lets all send out a BIG THANKS to Clayton, you're a real trooper!

It was late and I was out of my mind. I had to be, I was running along the Trans Canada highway down the coulee past the World's Largest Tee-pee in Medicine Hat. And it was raining.
I heard the wheels crunch on the gravel as they pulled off the pavement and parked. Was someone stopping to give me a ride? Was it Clayton pulling over to pick me up? I looked over my shoulder.
A COP CAR! What?
I know it felt fast but had I really been running at THAT high of a speed?
I stopped and turned to face the two officers getting out of the vehicle. Two of them? What had I done wrong? And it looked to me that they had someone already arrested and in the back seat. My being on the side of the #1 highway at that time of night was apparently a BIG deal!!! I guess I should have spent a little more time on my personal hygiene... I turned my backwards hat around in desperation to look a little more presentable.
The driver of the car walked around the front of vehicle, “Do we have a problem here?” he nodded in my direction.
Considering I was the only one in the vicinity I could have deducted that he was talking to me without the nod, but I decided it best NOT to mention this point.
“No sir, no problem.” I replied, “Well unless of course it’s illegal to run at night.”
“We had a phone call reporting that a women was running along the Trans Canada, flailing her arms about.”
“Aha, yeah,” I looked down at my arms, “My arms usually swing when I run.”
The officer who had got out of the passenger side spoke up, “So why don't you make this easy on us, do you have any warrants out for your arrest?”
I tried to stifle a laugh, “No, sorry not an escaped criminal, just out for a run.” Ok so most people don't run at night, in the rain, on the main highway, in high heels but they don't need to know my life's story and I am sure that running at night ISN'T illegal, I thought to myself.
“Do you happen to have some ID on you?” The first one asked.
“As a matter of fact I do,” I dug into my pocket and handed over my driver’s license.
He took it, looked it over, and then spoke into his hand held radio, “C2 alpha 7” or some damn code and then “Last name Hodgson, First name Kimberly, Charley bravo 5 2 7.” The only thing I really understood was my name but I bet I could decipher the code part pretty close: crazy, loony women, says she’s just out for a run… out for a run, at night, in the rain, in high heels with a piece of ID on her person, yeah we're more than likely bringing this one in.
“So… is it illegal to run at night?” I inquired again, because quite frankly I was sick of standing in the rain talking to two coppers who thought I was outta my mind.
“Well most people don’t run at night, in the rain on the main highway.” Was his 'we’re not quite done talking with you yet' response. “Where are you going?”
Seriously do I have to answer that. I am running down the highway in the middle of the night in the rain... DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING???!!! But because I'm scared of the law and didn't want to have to phone my Mommy to come bail me out of jail I said:
“Well I thought I might just run up there to that Husky and give my husband a call to come pick me up… if that’s alright with you?”
“So you’re alright then? You’re husband is going to pick you up?” Cop #1 said to me in a mocking tone, like as if someone is actually married to you.
“Yeah, most likely he will pick me up, once I get to a phone to call him.” And somewhere between asking for my ID and finding out my destination, they must have decided this crazy women wasn’t a threat to society and more then likely just a waste of their time. Their next statement proved this…
“If you can tell me the name of the song that has the line, she was waving her arms in the air, in it, then you’re free to go, if not we’re taking you to jail.” And finally he smile.
Even though it was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard I was still a little nervous if I didn’t get it right they might actually take me to jail? Like seriously and IS IT ILLEGAL TO RUN AT NIGHT FOR F@&*S SAKES… because if not I am done talking to you! But what I said out loud because I really didn’t want to go to jail was…
“Honest to God I don’t know music… definitely not names of songs.”
“I’ll give you a hint, it is by the Hot Shots.”
“No you don’t understand… music illiterate… and anyhow if I even had a standing chance it would have to be Country because that’s all I really listen to.”
“Country? We should just arrest you for that fact.” They laughed. “Well I guess you check out. Hurry up there and phone your husband.”
“Thanks. And I’ll try to keep the speed down.” I said as I turned to continue my midnight run.
They both chuckled and the driver said, “Have a good night… oh and NO it is not illegal to run at night… maybe just not wise.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I shouted as I took off up the hill. Next time I loose my sanity I'll try to remember those words... Kimberly this thing... this crazy ridiculous thing you are about to do... IT'S NOT WISE!
Or at least I'll try a little less arm movement whilst running.

NOTE: The statement of wearing high heels was only for effect... no high heels were actually worn or harmed in the production of this story.