Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Corrine... The new focus of this here little blog!

Heads Up: This story turned out to be extremely long... but extremely worth the read... if you like hearing about other people misfortunes as much as I like writing about them! Oh also if you don’t mind hearing about pooh related topics… almost forgot to mention this as pooh is a common dinner table conversation in my mind; something Clayton really does not appreciate!!! ;)

I told you I had a story about Corrine and Indian food so I thought I had better keep my word and tell it. Now, do keep in mind, it was a few years ago, so some of the facts might be a little blurred. Such as, it may not have been Indian food... but some type of food that is NOT an unseasoned chicken breast and plain rice.
(Although any mention of shit cramps is totally true and factual... I'm not one to forget the actualities surrounding such an event as shit cramps! ;)

So it was our cousin, Allise's stagette and Corrine and I had joined her and her friends in Kelowna for Indian food and then a night out on the town. You know how stagettes go!
Well as soon as Corrine had found out the type of restaurant we were eating at she was not looking forward to it. She was all, 'maybe I should eat ahead of time.' I, of course, was all, ‘seriously just order something mild, you'll be fine’.
As it turns out, shockingly, I was wrong!

Everyone had placed their orders and we were waiting on Corrine, who was basically going through each item on the menu with the server to find out which one she might be able to handle. Once decided she gave a detailed list of changes to make the meal more edible for her. Which I'm sure the server smiled and nodded and wrote none of it down. As it turns out Corrine's idea of spicy and someone who works at an Indian Food restaurant idea of spicy are not even close to being the same. Who would have guessed?! :)

So our meals arrived while everyone was chatting and having a good time. I was really enjoying myself and then I looked over at Corrine, who had only taken a few bites of her food. She looked pale.

She leaned over and whispered, 'I can't eat this.'

'Oh come on, it can't be that hot,' I said as I tried a bite off her plate. It tasted fine to me.

'Well it's too hot for me, you should eat some of it.'

'Ah, I have my own plate of food and I'm already getting full.'

'Oh come Kimberly, you eat way more than the average person, you'll be fine.'

'FINE.' I whispered in an annoyed voice.

Nearing the end of the meal, I was feeling rather stuffed and Corrine had gone from pale to sweating profusely. 'Is it hot in here? It is SO hot in here. I need some air. I'm going outside.' She painfully barked into my ear and then sweetly said to everyone else. 'I'm just stepping outside for a bit of fresh air.'

The meal was done and everyone was chatting and finishing their drinks and Corrine still hadn't come back in. It was decided which pub we were all heading to, except for the girls who were heading home from the restaurant. Wondering what had become of Corrine, I told Allise that Corrine and I would just meet them over at the pub.

As I reached the parking lot I was getting a little concerned because I didn't see Corrine sitting in our car. Where could she be? But as I got closer I saw her lying with the passenger seat way back, pants undone and it was obvious she was moaning.

I opened the door and slid in, 'Are you OK?'

'NOOOOO! Thank God you're here. I almost didn't make it to the car. I... I... have the worst cramps. I... I... had to stop on that curb over there and people were looking at me. I wanted to go get you but then I didn't really want to go back in there like this. HOW COME YOU DIDN'T COME CHECK ON ME?'

'I don't know... it didn't feel that long I guess.' (Note: It turns out I am NOT a very empathetic person... or so I have deduced over the years. I am hoping Motherhood will change this!)

'It felt long to me! Weren't you even concerned?!'

'Well, I don't know... I thought... I don't know... I'm sorry.'

'I think I need to go to the hospital.'

Of course it seemed funny to me that she thought it was that bad. But then again I wasn't feeling her pain. And that's when it hit me.

Shit cramps!
(Now if you want to keep your mind free of my bowel experiences you might want to skip over this next part... just a friendly little heads up!)

I don't have the, let’s say, most regular bowel and sometimes I get the worst shit cramps. But every time when the cramps start I spend 10 or 20 minutes thinking I am going to die and proceed to divide up my most valuable possession between the people I love. I then contemplate calling Clayton to take me to the hospital to die. But thankfully before I make the call I always get the weird churning in my gut and my mind goes... oh wait... really... shit cramps? Just damn shit cramps again! So I'm not going to die, I just need to use the flippin’ bathroom!
Seriously. This is what happens every time.

Once, when Shayla was almost a year old, I got them while Clayton was home. As I was squirming and moaning on the couch, he was like, really, you think you'd be a little more able to handle this... you did give birth to a baby and I thought that was the hardest thing you every did?
And I was all like... oh my God! I'm going into early labour... quick get me to the hospital!
And Clayton was all like... YOU'RE NOT EVEN PREGNANT!
And then I was all... SHUT UP HOW DO YOU KNOW? HAVEN’T YOU HEARD OF TLC’S I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS PREG... Ooo… Oh wait... yup... you're right... will you just excuse me for a moment while I use the bathroom.

Anyhow, back to Corrine, in the car, in a parking lot in Kelowna...

'Take me to the hospital... do something!'

'Maybe it's just shit cramps?'

'What are you on? What is a shit cramp?! And whatever that is... THIS is not it!'

Finding it hard to believe that she's never experienced a shit cramp before... some people are SO lucky... I go on to explain about my random cramping problem where I think I'm going to die.

'Really, shit cramps hurt this bad? I don't think so! I just don't think so.'

'Well maybe it’s something else. How about we phone Clayton and see what he recommends for indigestion or stomach pain... he'll know what you should take.'

'Fine and then we need to go home.''

'What, we can't go home! We have to go to the pub. Some of the people just left from the restaurant... it's Allise's stagette, I don't wanna miss it... we have to at least go to the pub for a bit!'

If looks could kill, I'd be dead.
Then she sighed, being a true party animal at heart, and said, 'Well hurry up and phone Clayton and he better have some suggestion to fix this. Or I'll be sitting in the car while you go into the pub for a bit.'

So we found the nearest pharmacy and searched the aisles for Clayton's recommendations. We were on the way to the till with Corrine hunching over in pain every few minutes when I stopped and looked at her. 'Seriously, while we're here just try and take a shit, I bet it'll help.'

Corrine, as loud as you can shout and still be whispering, shouted, 'I don't need to shit.'
And then she was doubled over in pain again.

When she regained her composure I shouted, 'GO NOW! Just try at least.' (It was the first time I ever bossed my older sister around... wink wink... it felt good!)

'FINE!' She said as she hobbled off to find the bathroom.

After paying for the items, I wandered over to the bathrooms and waited... and waited. I looked in the deli aisle for a bit and then checked out the decorated cakes. Finally Corrine emerged.

'Well...?' I questioned.
'Never mind, now give me those pills!'

So I guess we'll never know if it was the pills that fixed the problem or if it was indeed just a shit cramp!
But I will tell you that we made it to the pub... and the bar after that! Once a party animal... always a party animal!

Now what other stories can I tell about Corrine... um... let me see! Evil grin! ;)


NOT shit cramp girl lol said...

What the heck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought there was going to be a cute picture of Meg on here with an accompanying humorous rabbit story - - - and I am blind sided by this! I am much too lady like to be the sister in this story - you must mean Vanessa! LOL Thanks for posting Kimberly and would you mind telling Clayton to do something stupid so the focus can return to the husband!!! =)

Corrine said...

Also I would like to mention that I planned to quickly read your rabbit story and then put Grayson to bed and I have been on here for 40 mins reading all your hilarious stories - Grayson is comatose on my lap and I can no longer feel my left arm! That is how great your writing is (except when it is about me) and obviously I need to get on here more often!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! Poor Corrine... not only for the cramps but then having her dear sister write about it!! LOL Ahhh to be a family member of a blogger... never know what's gonna end up as material! :-)


Allise said...

First: I had NO idea any of this happened!
Second: I'm sorry Corrine but that story is hilarious! I can't believe you've never had shit cramps?!?! If it makes you feel better that I am laughing at you I spent atleast two hours later that evening hurling my guts out on the Provincial Court's steps!
Two posts in a few days, we're sooo lucky! :)

Anonymous said...

i also find it really hard to believe that she hasn't ever had cramps before! must be nice...
p.s. great story! lmao!

Vanessa said...

Great Story... I love the length! As well as the content of course! Nothing is more funny than poo :) I'm glad you don't know any of my poo cramp stories! But I have been curled up on the side of the road halfway through a run... luckily I was by a field.... haha

Kimberly said...

Hahaha! Thanks for all the comments! Corrine, I had to lure you on here somehow... although I do have a bunny post in the works! :) Oh and yeah you're probably right it was probably Vanessa... my memory is not that good! Oh wait if it was Vanessa she would have just taken a shit by the back wheel of the car and been done with it!!! hehehe JUST JOKING!!!

Vanessa, you did actually tell me about the horrible run... wish I had been there... so I could write about it! Because I NEVER make ANYTHING up! ;)

Allise, good thing Corrine is actually the tougher sister... the night turned out awesome! Glad I was there.

Christine, wish I still had your blog to check in on!

Dani thanks for always checking in.

PS. Yeah, like who doesn't ever have shit cramps!!! Glad to hear it's not just me!

Anonymous said...

wow am i glad i read that stoey, i think corrine has now been renamed SC in my books

Anonymous said...

A blog! Thanks Corrine (or Vanessa.... whoever it really was!) for the fodder for the story! he,he
Clayton must be relieved.
Well Corrine, we're really all dying to know did you or did you not make a deposit in that pharmacy bathroom the night of Allise's stagette? he,he
Looking forward to the cute bunny and Meg story Kimberly.
Love Mom :)

Anonymous said...

bahahaha! Thanks for livening the day Kimberly and Corrine. Could not have been told any better!
Looking forward to more... hehe...

KHB said...

Well she may not have ever had the cramps before, but she can definitely let them rip!!!! OMG, she can clear sinuses in seconds.

Anonymous said...

Just a reread! Too funny.
I see Kevin even got in on the "Focus on Corrine" blog!

Vanessa said...

haha, I was wondering who KHB was!